Swinger of Birches

birches

. . . So was I once myself a swinger of birches.  And so I dream of going back to be. It’s when I’m weary of considerations, and life is too much like a pathless wood where your face burns and tickles with the cobwebs broken across it, and one eye is weeping from a twig’s having lashed across it open. I’d like to get away from earth awhile and then come back to it and begin over.  May no fate willfully misunderstand me and half grant what I wish and snatch me away not to return. Earth’s the right place for love …

–Robert Frost

I love birch trees … I always have.   The beautiful bark and graceful branches and shape have long been sought after landscape choices for many seeking beauty and exquisite charm in a simple, artistic way.

Some months back I remember traveling and as the passenger looking dreamily out the window, I saw what seemed to be a good mile of nothing but clusters of birch trees.  I was mesmerized by the beauty and remember commenting to John how I’d love to be lost there in the woods amidst the birches.  Fortunately, John’s known me long enough to know how “unique” my imagination is . . . but also how crazy I am; therefore sped up a bit, most likely afraid I would ask him to pull over and drop me off—me all too eager to be lost in the “forest of birches”.

Surgery happened.

My surgical oncologist is a rock star and knowing a bit about my music interests and the frame of mind I was in, I let her choose what music would be played in the OR.  So after praying and being wheeled down the hall, I entered the bright OR with the very unique and melodious Dido—calming my nerves incredibly.  My surgeon and anesthesiologist held my hands until I slipped away to Dido’s beautiful voice, remaining in never-never land for the next 7 hours.

I don’t actually recall awakening per se, but I do remember in my dreamy, morphine fog, seeing John for a moment, next my mom, and then my sister.  My eyes couldn’t stay open for long, but what I later realized was that I had to be alone that night, which killed me.  My family was told they were only allowed about two minutes to see me as we learned the hospital was over-capacity, meaning  there were no rooms to send me to—so I would be spending at least one night alone in the PACU, no visitors allowed. The pre/post anesthesia care unit (PACU), consisted of a lovely 2×4 curtained-space where I was surrounded by sick people going in or coming out of surgery.   Not to whine, but I honestly felt helpless and alone, knowing that my ONE expectation and comfort pre-surgery was that I would have my family around me when I awoke.  In my mind, I needed this more than ever, because though this necessary “thing” needed to happen, this surgery (that I still don’t vocalize all that much), the thing that was vainly and intensely dreaded—yet eagerly anxious to get over with, hoping to remove this thing called cancer out of my body (with the goal:  for good)—I felt more vulnerable and weary than ever and desperately needed people who loved me around me when I awoke.

Now let’s face it— typically, any type of amputation is a day surgery these days with insurance or at best an overnight stay.  Staying 4 nights was over the top for my little “Angie Jolie” procedure.   The result of my surgery was apparently “beautiful” …. odd choice of wording, but okay, whatever.   By the middle of day two in PACU-ville (still no room available) I was told I would have a private room by dinner time.  Yay.  What I didn’t know was that in all the unseemly unfairness in my “lonely Nicole land”, the staff, some very special angels in my midst who really understood my emotional struggle really hooked me up—BIGTIME.  My room was in the “celebrity hotel quarters” of the hospital, or the place where those who choose to spend a month’s salary per night out of pocket after insurance go to heal—private chef and all.  Honestly, God is good, because this is NOTHING I would ever choose even if I were celebrity-status, but after my disenchantment post-surgery, it was indeed a lavish treat, though not exactly one of my “bucket list” return spots of interest.

In and out of sleep the last two weeks, I’ve thought and dreamt about birch trees … I don’t know why, but they’ve visited me in my dreams.   What does the birch tree symbolize?  I guess from what I’ve gathered, the birch tree symbolizes a fresh start and can bring courage and determination especially to those of us who are treading the path of spiritual growth and weariness.   Although the birch does appear fragile, in all its “romantic” carving ability . . . (y’know , the way lovers can permanently make a mark on its writeable bark), instead, the birch tree is extremely hardy—teaching us that in apparent weakness there is often to be found great strength.

Worldwide, birches also promise new life and love, and are great symbols of purification and renewal, helping to focus our attention on our potential for change and on the consideration of new directions and goals to be experienced in our lives.

When I think of Robert Frost’s masterpiece—“Birches” I’m reminded of the swinging motion—the substance of the poem and the deep force that comes with such a motion.  My life is filled with the contrary pulls of truth and imagination.  Tangible and spiritual.  Control and abandon. Flight and return.   The upward “swinging” substance of the poem brings me to imagination and escape—away from the ultra-heavy truth of cancer and all the changes and uncertainties it has brought to my life and those I love.  The downward “swing” and truth of Frost’s brilliance, brings me back to earth, to face the challenges set before me and to look with fresh eyes at the many areas of my life that need clearer focus, new direction, deeper love.

I’ll be honest—Truth with a capital T for me is that I often desire to get away from the earth awhile these days, becoming a swinger of birches.  The thought and attraction of climbing a beautiful birch, leaving the difficulties and weariness of this journey behind is in many ways a no brainer.  Who wouldn’t want to escape?  Life is so much like the “pathless wood” Frost speaks of.  One easy way to navigate would be to climb a tree, high above every obstacle below.

God, however is Love and has intricately put each of us here for a plan and purpose bigger than ourselves.  When I think of that, it motivates me to pursue all He has planned for me regardless of how much time that may mean here on Earth.  I love how Frost says in his poem:  “Earth’s the right place for love.”   For now, he couldn’t be more right.  In my deeply imperfect state, constantly craving escape, I must return from my upward swing and come back again … to keep going where He wants me.   I’ll always want to push toward Heaven, where difficulties and heartache don’t exist, but as His plans have me here, I need to know the limits and limitless abilities my Father has chosen for me, and pursue them now with passion.

Yes . . . I love birch trees.  They are the perfect vehicle.  A thrill to climb, yet firmly rooted in the ground—never allowing one to sever the ties God has with His plans for us here on Earth.  Swinging down takes experience, skill and courage . . . leaving that higher place.  It means that you take risks and you explore the mysteries of life. Being a swinger of birches means I can look back on life and be proud of the accomplishments and challenges.

I’d like to go by climbing a birch tree, and climb black branches up a snow-white trunk toward heaven, till the tree could bear no more, but dipped its top and set me down again.  That would be good both going and coming back.  One could do worse than be a swinger of birches.     

Tomorrow’s a new day, and actually the day I will learn of my pathology results and hopefully have these dreaded drains removed … (for all you who’ve had them, you know EXACTLY what I’m talking about).  I will keep you updated on the news of my results.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.      

2 Corinthians 4:16

Nicole

 

 

15 thoughts on “Swinger of Birches

  1. Thanks for your update!!! Well-said, as always! 🙂 Continuing to pray for you and your family!

  2. Ah, the drains! So good to hear from you and even better to learn you’ll (hopefully) say goodbye to the drains. Removal honestly was not uncomfortable. I can’t imagine not being in a room after surgery. You deserved the luxury apartment and more. Praying for you all tomorrow and as you go forward.

    1. Sandy,

      You are such a breath of fresh air and encouragement! I am eager and nervous to learn of results, but ultimately know that it’s all in God’s hands regardless. I was certainly lavishly “spoiled” in my celebrity suite … though I wished I could have actually enjoyed the circumstances! LOL I will certainly keep you updated with news from tomorrow’s appointments. I so hope that removal of the lovely drains will bring much more comfort in the realm of sleep! 🙂

      Loving you,

      Nicole

  3. I love you, Nicole. Looking forward to catching up with you. You’ve inspired me to read more Frost poetry. Big prayer going up for you tonight, my sister ❤ Lots of love, Dawn

  4. Awesome writing, as usual! You sent me reading Robert Frost and realized how many were familiar. The Pasture produced a memory of walking with my Dad to find where the cow was hiding her new-born calf!
    Thanks for that!
    Now, back to reality as I send much love to you, and prayers to our God who is caring for you. God is our refuge and our strength, a very present help in trouble. Ps 46. My prayer is that you feel that presence continually.
    Love, Beth

    1. Beth,

      Ahhhh….Frost is such a source of nostalgia in many ways. What a great story to hear about your beautiful memories with your Dad! I think of you often and pray that you are well. An abundance of gratitude and prayers go out to you for you faithful encouragement and prayers on my behalf.

      Much love, my sister in Christ,

      Nicole

  5. Sweet Nicole,had to stop reading to wipe the tears again & again. (tears of pride,& admiration of your soon to be famous book, & some sadness for all that you’ve been through.Also tears of joy that the surgery is over. I’m holding you close to my heart,& continue to pray every day. As Uncle Bob & I read this together,& he said you’ve always loved birch trees too. (& monkeys)……. let me know when the swinging begins…xoxo Love you so, Aunt Vicki

    1. Aunt Vicki & Uncle Bob!

      Ohhhhhh…..I cried with tears of laughter and sadness knowing your hearts and worry about me are so real and constant. I love you so much and thank you for being a real and ever-present source of strength and encouragement during this difficult time. I know if I asked you to send me the moon, you would lasso it from afar and it bring it my way.

      Have no tears for me … for this is but a season— not quite sure yet of the reason, but all too soon that shall be revealed to me. What I do know is that this monkey has to get her act together in the here and now … to one day reveal the testimony of this great “test” sent my way.

      I love you always and forever,

      Your niece,

      Nicole

      1. Darling, you are an angel of God & what will be will be…I believe God’s plan for each of us ,is from the goodness of his heart & his plan will be revealed & sometimes the greatest joy comes from the greatest pain..I pray the worst is over & this hill you will climb is filled w/ healing ,strength ,kindness & grace. We love you w/ all of our hearts,A. Vicki

  6. Hi my honey!! I am so grateful to hear from you …….. I find that I realize only when I get to the end of your blog that I haven’t taken a breath!! It’s almost like I don’t want to even move or get distracted in any way that I might miss a detail in how you are doing. I am grateful that you know where your strength comes from and that God put in you that strong and tenacious spirit!!! I am grateful for you and so proud of you!!! I miss you terribly! Know that the Whalens love you and are always praying!!!

    1. My sweet Cathy!!

      Missing you madly …. but knowing me as I know you do, you know that when I’m in a “place” I climb in deep. (not to worry, though – I always climb out) 🙂

      Boston …. Greek food ….. time for some fun, eh? Thank you for always being there even when we don’t physically see one another for stretches.

      The Chryssicas clan LOVE the Whalen clan
      Always!

      Love, Nicole

  7. Nicole,
    I can exhale now knowing that you are on that road of restoration. I know many who have healed from surgery as my patients. The day that the last artificial link to the antiseptic world of medicine is removed is always a happy one .
    You have gone through the refiner’s fire and landed once again on your feet. This has been a powerful experience which has changed you forever and will continue to encourage others through your writing.
    God bless you through this healing time. Continued prayers and Love,
    Peg Fig

    1. Peg,

      No words can adequately express our love and appreciation for you and Jose … you’ve been CONSISTENTLY faithful and generous in blessing us with both nourishment to our bodies and souls. 🙂 It’s SO amazing to have people come into our small corners of the world and forever place a significant stamp of genuine love and support directly on our hearts. You are one of those treasures!

      Thank you as always for your constant support in all ways!

      Love,

      Nicole

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