(originally posted on my CaringBridge page on 1/12/13)
“I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish that He didn’t trust me so much.”
~ Mother Teresa
Oddly enough, I’m someone who enjoys the victory pain associated with a tough workout. When I feel my quads aching while walking up a flight of stairs and the general feeling that I’ve kicked some real “glute” at the gym, it’s a “comforting” reminder that my reward is coming . . . progress is being made.
Wednesday’s first chemo session went well … and as of today, I physically feel GR-R-REAT. I know that’s an excellent report and I should be doing a little hallelujah dance right now, but the sad truth is, I psychologically long for that physical assurance that “my reward is coming.” Basically, I want to feel the tangible pain of progress. Yes, I now give each of you permission to remind me of this foolish philosophy on week 18 of treatment, when I will most likely long to feel like Tony the Tiger again.
I got a call Thursday, telling me I do NOT need another biopsy for the trial! To say I was thrilled with those words would be an understatement. I was assured that I’m still being researched in the clinical trial, but after reviewing all the information with my oncologist, the researchers indicated another biopsy would not be necessary. One less distress. <Sigh of relief>
Genetic Testing: The results came. All results were negative. Though “negative” in the realm of cancer always seem positive, I’ve been told that there is still so much work being done on genetics that it’s hard to feel “secure” in the findings. Although the BRCA gene test (which tests specifically for breast cancer) can detect the majority of mutations in the BRCA1 and BRCA2 genes, it’s still possible that you could have some type of gene mutation that the tests weren’t able to detect, and/or one that researchers haven’t yet identified and developed a test for.
Please don’t misinterpret this as a “Debby Downer” moment, but rather an expression of caution in validating these results as “great news.” The fact is, I still have breast cancer and feel the very real need to advocate for my family — to be vigilant in testing, self exams and even potential genetically linked cancers for my own children. This doesn’t mean I plan to live in fear, but rather live with shared knowledge… knowledge that gives confident power in caring for our bodies.
Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. (Hebrews 11:1)
Faith is what keeps me going and keeps me secure in knowing that regardless of my physical state, good or bad…my hope can only be found in one source . . . Moment by moment . . . new mercies He shows.